Christians are the work of the devil.  Yes, if you are Christian, you unknowingly one of the billions of followers dedicated to Satan.  You see, Satan knows that he can’t directly turn you in to being one of his followers, so he takes the shape of Reverend Jesse Jackson and countless other false pastors who gain a profit through your devotion, and church donations.
      Satan is a genius.  He fixed up the Catholic Church as his empire, his home base for his deceit.  He enrages Christians by using his little pawns to create chaos.  However, chaos can’t help him win souls.  After all, don’t we as human beings bond during times of disaster?  What if Satan placed Hitler on the pedestal as a decoy so we couldn’t see the real screw he has us in for?
      Let me ask you a question, when you picture Satan, do you see a red-skinned man with horns and hoofs?  Probably.  But that’s okay, you’re meant to think that, although you’re still an idiot for thinking so.  No, Satan looks more like an old man with a white cap an robes wearing a big golden cross.  What’s that Ryan?  Are you saying the Pope is the Devil?  Yes, kiddies, that’s exactly what I’m saying, well....indirectly.  I have nothing but love for the guy.  Satan is The Man who makes you pay your taxes, The Man who makes you rack up your credit cards.  He’s The Man who sits in his cozy little condo sipping on non-alcoholic daiquiris and watching Three Rivers Stadium blow up on the TV.  He’s The Man who runs the SGA hoping to con you in to going to the Semi-Formal.
      Do you really think Satan waits around for you pathetic losers to hand him your soul?  Of course not, silly.  Instead he takes the shape of numerous people.  He wants the Dow Jones to fall so people will  commit suicide, he wants people to beat others because they are black or gay; and he definitely wants you to burn those evil Harry Potter books.  Why?  Because he’s making you look stupid... well, everyone but me that is.  And that is why, kiddies, I exclaim that Christians are the devil.  He is turning us all in to hypocrites.  He is slowly turning our worshipping in to idolization.  We are so worried about status and perfection, that we’re becoming more imperfect and more immoral by our obsession with trying to reach it.  We’re not meant to be perfect so stop trying.  I’ve seen so many people get hounded by Christians because their views are different from the majority.  Who tormented the black community during the early 20th century?  White Christians.  Who wants to burn Harry Potter books?  Christians.  I don’t see the Buddhists complaining.  Christians twist the Holy words of The Bible to make it support what they are arguing.  So I say this to everyone; stop judging and stop discriminating.  Give that Goth person in your Trig class a hug!  Maybe he’ll start taking showers now.
       We must turn to the ways of the Jedi, and learn not to crave things such as adventure and money.  We must become powerful like Mr. T.  Only then will we be able to throw down The Man.
       And one more thing before I end this rant, Stop Eating at McDonald’s!  McDonald’s is The Devil!!  This is where Satan draws most of his powers at!  Don’t believe me?  Just take a look at the sign that says “Over Billions and Billions Served.”  Ah-ha!  Now get it.  See what I mean?

Disclaimer- “Ranting Ryan” does not reflect the views of the entire staff.  “Ranting Ryan” is meant for comical purpose and should not be taken seriously.